Taking the p*ss


When you are in London you are never more than 5 feet away from a rat – Or so it is said. Similarly, when you are in a nursery class you are never more than 5 minutes away from a puddle. Spillages around the water tray, spilt drinks, taps left running and the unfortunate (but inevitable) results of children deciding to share toilet cubicles. Then of course there is the plain old, straight forward ‘accident’ from children who are not yet quite sure when to go, how to go, where to go or sometimes, why they should even bother to go in any particular place.

A lot of time and effort goes into making sure the floor is kept dry and not permanently awash with various fluids. Also that parents are supported in helping their children develop the skills they need to function in society when they get older.

To non-initiates this either sounds:

ridiculously easy – ‘how hard can it be?’


hellishly hard – ‘seriously though, how do you do that?’

One of the little girls I taught was wetting herself daily, in spite of the fact that she was completely toilet trained at home, and had been for some time. We kept having to put her into our spare nursery underwear, the ones with ‘nursery’ written across them with indelible marker pen so we would get them back.

Eventually, after some detective work, she confessed that she was doing it deliberately – so she could wear the special ‘nursery pants’. If only all problems were so easily solved, we wrote ‘nursery’ on her pants with a felt tip pen and the problem stopped.

Then there was the boy who could not get a grip on things – literally. He just stood with his hands on his hips and let things take their course, spraying around like an unattended hose. We worked long and hard on resolving this, although I suspect that as he is now a fully grown adult male he probably still does it from time to time after the pub.

One morning he came over to me and proffered the front of his joggers, “feel that” he commanded.

Unthinkingly I took a hold as I asked “Why?”

“I’ve wet myself !” he said taking my now soggy hand and leading me towards the spare clothes cupboard.


17 thoughts on “Taking the p*ss

  1. Omg hilarious! I don’t know how you have the patience!

  2. I love it. Very laid back, random comedy!

  3. They just loved the nursery spares, didn’t they? 😀

    • Well – they did have NURSERY written on them. Bespoke underwear no less. That same girl used to bring me regular ‘presents’. They always consisted of things she had swiped from home and hidden in her bag. I returned them all to her mum on a regular basis.

  4. This is so shaming. One day when I was in infant’s school, we were all sat on the floor listening to a story. On the previous day (I think), or not long before, a boy had asked to go to the loo during class and had a massive public humiliation as a result. So I tried to tie a knot in it….unsuccessfully. Very soon the cross-legged class found themselves sitting in a widening pool of urine, and Leedon Infants CID had no trouble tracking me down as the culprit. They were very sympathetic, though, but I can’t help feeling it was the start of a pattern. Could very well end up with me piddling while Rome burns 🙂

    • No shame in that, story time is the worst time because nobody wants to miss the end, especially if it’s a good one like Goldilocks. You have to have one eye on the book and one on the fidgets, there is a science to guessing how desperate a small person is.

  5. I’m wanting to know more about London’s rats too! My son has come home in so many nursery school clothes, high-riders, girls underwear and jeans. There was just one penguin shirt that we had to keep- everything else went back washed 🙂

  6. I live in Washington, DC and I don’t think I can count how many times a city rat has crossed my path this summer. And they’re huge. I love the little girl who wanted the nursery underpants.

  7. I remember seeing Geoffrey in the boys’s loo; one hand directing the flow, another holding his banana. And I do mean banana. Just discovered your blog, Steve, and very much enjoying it.

  8. Classic! Thanks for stopping by, I am looking forward to perusing some of you r previous posts I enjoyed the ones I read so far.

  9. […] The ones I’ve read so far have been teaching anecdotes – very enjoyable.  Here’s a link to a post called ‘Taking the p*ss”, which brought to mind finding one particular lad at the urinals, directing the action — so […]

  10. […] This is a sequel to a previous post called ‘taking the p*ss’ […]

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